185 Funny Quotes from the Past 100 Years for Your Fun
If you like funny things, then this is the article just for you. Here you will find the funny quotes to keep you entertained. Enjoy it with your friends. These inspiring quotes are written by famous people. So, enjoy the podcast, videos, and cute quotes images now:
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Funny quotes
“Never eat more than you can lift.” – Miss Piggy
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” – Aldo Cammarota
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” – Rod Stewart
“It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.” – Gore Vidal
Funny quotes about love
“Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.” -Steve Martin
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.”- Bo Derek
“We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.” – Ellen DeGeneres
Funny quotes about marriage
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”- Pete
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”- Mark Twain
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”- Will Ferrell
“I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. ” – W.C. Fields
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin
“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” -Will Rogers
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”- Rodney Dangerfield
Funny quotes on friendship
“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”- Mindy Kaling
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”- Lt. Frank
“People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” – Mike Bechtle
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”- Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”- C. Belcher
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”- Rita Rudner
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”- Jay Leno
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”- Steve Martin
“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating. ” – Frank Semyon
“What do you mean, he doesn’t eat any meat?” That’s okay. That’s okay. I make lamb. ” – Aunt Voula
“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”- Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis)
“May I just get one Mahi instead of the Mahi Mahi because I’m not that hungry?”-Shelly D.
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. ” – Ellen DeGeneres
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”- Tina Fey
Funny quotes of the day
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”- Robin Williams
“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” -Charlie Brown
“Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.” – Dearborn Independent
“My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”- Bobby Boucher
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”- Jimmy Kimmel
“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”- Dory (Ellen DeGeneres)
“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”- Dr. Peter Venkman
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”- Bob Hope
“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it’d better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”- Claire Foster
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”- Mark Twain
Funny quotes dirty
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” – Jeff Valdez
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”- Oscar Wilde
“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.” – G.K. Chesterton
“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”- Halley Reed
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”-Mortimer Brewster
“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”- Lillian (Maya Rudolph)
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”- Groucho Marx
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”- Damien Fahey
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”- Jack Whitehall
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”- Noel Coward
“Trying is the first step toward failure.”- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”- Zach Galifianakis
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” – Dave Barry
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” – Reese Witherspoon
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”- Kate Davis
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.”- Robert Benchley
“Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” -Nora Ephron
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley
Funny quotes jokes
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” – Andrew A. Rooney
“The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” – Doug Larson
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” -George Carlin
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” – Dorothy Parker
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” – Addison H. Hallock
“Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” – Quentin Crisp
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” – Tom Snyder
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” – Jerome K. Jerome
“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen
“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” – Mark Twain
“All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.” – Steve Martin
“If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.” – W.C. Fields
“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory, good morning”- Rita Mae Brown
“A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.”- Channing Pollock “A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.” – William Lowe Bryan
“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” – Fran Lebowitz
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”- Lucille Ball
“You are only young once. After that, you have to think up some other excuse.” – Billy Arthur
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” – George Burns
“A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there’s fire.” – Dan Bennett
“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde
“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” – Judith Martin
“It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” – Malcolm Forbes
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do.” – Dale Carnegie
“If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?” – John Cleese
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Fox
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
“The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they’ve been indicted.” – Kin Hubbard
“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.”- Jean Webster
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
“By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.” – Don Herold
Funny quotes in english
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”- Les Dawson
“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”- Surgeon (Graham Chapman)
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”- Phyllis Diller
“I’m not superstitious, but I’m a little spiritual.”- Michael Scott
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”- Groucho Marx
“Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island what book I would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”- Steven Wright
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”- Graham Norton
I’m not good at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? ” – Chandler (Matthew Perry)
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ” – Sir Norman Wisdom
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – Henry Clapp
“The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.” – Lucille S. Harper
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
“I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”- Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons)
“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.”- Elise (Goldie Hawn)
“When it doubt, look intelligent.” – Garrison Keillor
“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” – Shane Richie
“Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”- Mitch Hedberg
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”- Oscar Wilde
“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”- Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker)
“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”- Dorothy Parker
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room. ” – President Merkin Muffley
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”- Rose (Betty White)
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